I already have people lined up to be “case studies”, so I thought I would start with a case study I know plenty about; myself. How did I come to love being single?
I posted a before about time. And about how everybody is different. There was a long period of time when I though I would never stop feeling sad. It was absolutely rubbish. Without going into too much detail, the circumstances under which my relationship ended were not the greatest, and I thought I’d always been pretty good at dealing with this kind of stuff. I really apparently wasn’t.
I dropped out of university because of it, for christ’s sake! It took me six months to finally go back to the city everything had happened in, because just thinking about it made me sad. The trepidation that I might have to face up to it was even worse.
So what happened? When and why did I stop being sad? Now, I feel I am a probable anomaly, as I can put this down to a single event. A particularly unpleasant event too. But, I think there are two reasons why this helped:
- When something really shit happens to you, but you’re okay, it’s not uncommon to spend a disproportionate amount of time thinking about how much worse that situation could be. I gained a little perspective-makes you realise that some dickhead treating you like rubbish, really isn’t the worst situation in the world anyway. Let alone it being the worst situation you have personally been.
- People come crawling out of the woodwork. I realised just how bloody amazing all my friends were, and how downright lucky I was to have them. Why had I spent so long moping over what I used to have, and spent so much time ignoring what I did have? Friends and support networks are vital.
Now like I said, I think I’m probably an anomaly. Something actually happened which helped me. I didn’t just wake up one morning, like all “oh everything is going to be okay” Would I still be there if it hadn’t happened? I like to think not; because obviously it didn’t make everything absolutely FINE. But it was definitely the point of realisation for me, and definitely took me to a much wanted (and needed) “point of no return”. No return to random acts of sadness for me.
The point I’m trying to make here is unclear, even to me. But I think it’s down to something about “making the best of a bad situation”. As that tends to be when you realise that things really could be a whole, whole lot worse.
Happy singledom x
Hello Bethany.
ReplyDeleteYou met me once a long time ago, but this doesn’t matter, so let’s skip introductions.
A girl I had been involved with for nine months told me a few days ago she didn’t want to see me anymore. I am completely devastated. Although I have had longer, more ‘formalised’ relationships in the past, I feel genuinely heartbroken for the first time.
The feelings I am experiencing at the moment include: a sharp humiliation at my desperate attempts to change her mind, a bitter loneliness from having lost my closest companion, a raw fear of everything that is to come, and (I am ashamed to say) an increasing craving for sexual realisation. And waking up is definitely the hardest part: I roll out of bed and down on my knees, and for a moment I can hardly breathe.
As much as you put on a brave face, singledom will never be as fulfilling as the experience of complete connection with another being.
Hi, first of all thanks for your feedback, and I'm genuinely sorry to hear you're having a rough time. Just so you know I felt that way (and a hell of a lot worse) for a good six months when my last relationship came to a close. But now it's okay, so I guess the point I'm making here is that eventually those feelings are going to get better-it's only been a few days, not weeks or months, and it's normal/okay etc to feel like shit for however long you want to!
DeleteThat said, I wasn't really heartbroken-emotional connections aren't judged on time or "formality". I'm very frequently quoted to say that the relationship that influenced me emotionally the greatest was a two-week fling with a guy I met at a festival. That's a long story and a whole other chapter away.
I'm not putting on a brave face. I'm perfectly happy. And I'm definitely not suggesting that being single is any substitute for being in love. Just that being single really isn't as awful as the whole entire world makes it out to be.
Obviously, I don't know the circumstances we met under or anything like that, much as I would love to, the anonymity is great. Being able to come to terms with how you feel is great, and if what I've said inspired you to want to share how you feel with someone, then I'm getting somewhere with what I've set out to achieve.
Bethany x
I went through a pretty traumatic break up about a year and a half ago while going through some pretty crappy things outside of the relationship itself. It took me a VERY long time to get over it and to stop feeling hurt about it.
ReplyDeleteThe thing that helped me the most was forcing myself to do things rather than wallowing in misery (which is VERY easily done - it's far easier to sit on the sofa eating endless packets of biscuits and watching Jeremy Kyle... and realising that your life might feel shit right now but at least your sister isn't sleeping with the father of your child AND your mother). I made myself go out and see people, I found that my friends were an absolute life saver and being single was actually pretty damn awesome.
You get the entire bed to yourself, you can do whatever you want without having to think about anyone else, you can shamelessly flirt with random people and not feel bad about it.
I hate that being single is portrayed as this absolutely awful thing. It's rubbish at first because you're missing the other person... but after a while you get to see this whole side to yourself that you didn't see while you were in the relationship.
The worst part of the break up is now over so you can comfort yourself with :) xxx