case study: when i realised that it just wasn’t worth it.

I already have people lined up to be “case studies”, so I thought I would start with a case study I know plenty about; myself. How did I come to love being single?

I posted a before about time. And about how everybody is different. There was a long period of time when I though I would never stop feeling sad. It was absolutely rubbish. Without going into too much detail, the circumstances under which my relationship ended were not the greatest, and I thought I’d always been pretty good at dealing with this kind of stuff. I really apparently wasn’t.

I dropped out of university because of it, for christ’s sake! It took me six months to finally go back to the city everything had happened in, because just thinking about it made me sad. The trepidation that I might have to face up to it was even worse.

So what happened? When and why did I stop being sad? Now, I feel I am a probable anomaly, as I can put this down to a single event. A particularly unpleasant event too. But, I think there are two reasons why this helped:

1. When something really shit happens to you, but you’re okay, it’s not uncommon to spend a disproportionate amount of time thinking about how much worse that situation could be. I gained a little perspective-makes you realise that some dickhead treating you like rubbish, really isn’t the worst situation in the world anyway. Let alone it being the worst situation you have personally been.
2. People come crawling out of the woodwork. I realised just how bloody amazing all my friends were, and how downright lucky I was to have them. Why had I spent so long moping over what I used to have, and spent so much time ignoring what I did have? Friends and support networks are vital.

Now like I said, I think I’m probably an anomaly. Something actually happened which helped me. I didn’t just wake up one morning, like all “oh everything is going to be okay” Would I still be there if it hadn’t happened? I like to think not; because obviously it didn’t make everything absolutely FINE. But it was definitely the point of realisation for me, and definitely took me to a much wanted (and needed) “point of no return”. No return to random acts of sadness for me.

The point I’m trying to make here is unclear, even to me. But I think it’s down to something about “making the best of a bad situation”. As that tends to be when you realise that things really could be a whole, whole lot worse.

Happy singledom x

time is of the essence.

“I’m just about out of that bursting into tears at random” 

“It’s been three months and I’m STILL bursting into tears at random”

Something which it’s really important to consider is that not everyone one is the same. Which I know sounds like a really silly thing for someone claiming to be able to solve everyone’s problems. Everyone is different, which means that different people handle the same things in different ways.

The subject of time comes up a lot. I went out for a meal with a few old friends last month and the subject of a couple of recent break-ups came into conversation. And one mentioned that three months since their break-up the tears were still in full flow for no apparent reason. Which is sad of course, nobody likes to see their friends in tears. But for me that saddest part was that she spoke like she should be over it. Like three months was an eternity, far too long to still be thinking, and be sad, about that stuff.

I thought about this, and I thought, three months is nothing. Now I’m not advocating Mrs Havisham-esque spinster lifestyle, spent constantly waiting and weeping for a lost lover. When my last relationship ended saying I was “upset” would be beyond an understatement-and I was the one that ended it! It took me a good six months to close the door properly on that; to stop the “random bursting into tears”. 

I think for a lot of people getting past this initial sadness is probably the hardest part to get through, because it has a nasty habit of coming back to bite. It’s not a vicious circle, but I think you’d struggle to truly feel realisation if this was the case. Take your time with it, that’s all I’m saying. 

And when people tell you to “man up”, or “stop being silly”, or that “it isn’t worth crying over”, or indeed “it’s been long enough now”, hold your head high in the knowledge that they are wrong. Because they don’t understand. Because you are you, and they are them, and everybody is different.

Now that really is the first step to becoming a “strong, independent woman who don’t need no man”

Happy singledom x

the six steps to singledom

Having looked at the past twelve months, I figured that there are six main points of getting to total single happiness. This blog here is just a collection of my thoughts on the matter of “singledom”, stories from me and my friends as to how we got to love being single.

So here is my “organisation” of my “foolproof guide”. Every post/article will fit into one of these chapters, and they’ll all be collected together. If you’re here for some advice, you might be at step 3 already-so you can just go straight there. Not a strict list to follow, just a (hopefully) easier way to browse!

-Random Acts of Sadness

When I see people recently out of relationships, the one mistake I think they are all trying to make is NOT to be sad. I really just think this is a bit silly, sadness is a normal, natural human emotion. If you can’t have a good weep over the end of a beautiful relationship what can you weep over? 

-Realisation (part 1)

So this is the point at which you’re like “What the hell was I thinking?!”  tending to be a relatively short point, reaching it can be the issue here.  This is going to be about helping you get there.

-The Break-over

So cliched, so cringe, yet so true. And I don’t necessarily mean cut all your hair off and buy a new lipstick (though this does work, I promise!), breakover your personality too. There’s no better time to totally revamp your life/style so do it!

-How to be a Strong Independent Woman Who Don’t Need No Man

Where it all started. Listen to Beyonce. You’re a Survivor. ETC. Recognise and learn who your friends are. Reconnect! Do something brand new, radical. May your strength and independence know no bounds.

-Wanting and Needing

Recognising the difference between wanting and needing is a pretty useful skill to have; but an invaluable one, to being single. I think it’s important to say that my point isn’t how to live your ENTIRE life out being single. Just about wanting a relationship, rather than feeling like you need it.

-Tranquility of Singledom

The point at which you decide to start a blog, informing the world of how incredible it is to be single. Not really, but the point you’ll hopefully reach. The point at which, when sympathetically sarcastic family members say “Oh you’re still single” you can laugh and retort with “but I LOVE being single”. Because you know what, you really bloody well will do.

So, there’s the SIX STEPS.

Happy singledom x

intro.

December 2012. I’m having a drink with a recently single friend. “HOW do you do it?!” she asks time and time again, “How are you SO happy with being single”. I should probably point out now, I’m not just happy with being single-I absolutely love it. So when all I can reply with is an “I don’t know, I just do” her swift reply is something about how I need to share what I have learnt with the world.

So here I am. And what made me think that I know everything there is to know? Not a lot to be honest with you. This time last year I was probably in a worse state than your average newly single girl, and at the grand old age of 20, that isn’t a fantastic place to be . After a serious life re-evaluation, I’ve come out of things at the other end. And if there is one thing I want to do, it’s share that re-evaluation with as many people as possible.

This isn’t a list of the amazing things about be single; or what I love about being single. It’s a compilation of thoughts/ideas/anecdotes that I collected together over the space of a year, that let me completely transform my mindset. It’s a guide, after a fashion. Not a concrete path to follow; no rules or regulations. Just some possible solutions to one very big problem. 

So the next time somebody asks “HOW do you do it” at least I/you/we will have a concrete answer to give. 

Happy singledom x